Exhilarating, isn't it?
by Fawks and Naurin
Summary: Being a vampire could not be all that wonderful, when Edward isn't yours. The loneliness and hunger may outweigh the beauty and strength. OC
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One

* * *

"Will all great Neptune's ocean wash this blood

Clean from my hand? No, this my hand will rather

The multitudinous seas incarnadine,

Making the green one red." -Macbeth, William Shakespeare

* * *

It was the most sudden awakening I had ever experienced. There was nothing….nothing….nothing, sweet nothing of sleeping dreamlessly. I opened my eyes and sat up. I wasn't sleepy or warm, like one usually is in the morning. I wondered briefly if I had passed out or had a seizure or something. I felt fine now. Except a sore throat._Dang it, I don't want to be sick. _I swallowed miserably.

I was in a bed. It was a strange bed. _Ew_, I thought, whose bed am I in? I sniffed at the sheets covering me…they smelt like detergent and me. How long had I been in this bed? I looked around and realized I had never seen or owned anything so pretty and warm as this room. It wasn't menacing and it put me, somewhat, off guard. However, I had the whole 'where the tuna am I?' issue in mind, and, to tell the truth, it was a little worrying. I stood up and realized that I was in underwear and a tee-shirt. Cute underwear. Holy crap. Not mine. I suddenly felt like throwing up. I was kind of a germ conscientious person….dude….I was wearing someone's underwear! Don't think about it. Don't think about it. I looked again at the room.

I wanted some pants. Shorts would do, but I really wanted pants. Surely whoever owned this room and these…don't think about it… whoever kidnapped me wouldn't mind me borrowing a pair of pants. I opened a door that just might have been a walk-in closet. I broke the handle. The metal handle tore out of the wood. I had barely even pulled on it!

"Oh, sorry!" I apologized, to…well, I'm not really sure whom, but the sound of my voice caught me off-guard. It really was loud. I didn't yell, did I? I continued with the conquest of opening the door to get myself a pair of pants.

I got the scare of my life! Right inside, facing me as if waiting to eat me, was a sheet-white woman with eyes, red like a demon and long, freakishly bright orange hair. As soon as I saw her, I let off an involuntary scream that hurt even my ears. The demon woman screeched right back at me. I took off. Or I tried to, but instead of turning to my left, which held the door way, I turned right and ran into the wall and bowled right through it, tripped over the rubble, jumped back up screaming all the more, and ran for a door I hadn't previously noticed.

I was certain the demon woman was coming for me. I could hear her in pursuit. I could see those blood-red eyes in my mind, consuming my mind with fear. I realized that could even smell her! I don't think I had ever been that frightened in my life. I came to a staircase and flew down it, vaguely surprised at the long strides I was taking and how graceful I was being, considering I was running down stairs. It seemed to me that I was in some kind of mansion…I stopped screaming for a moment to sniff the air. Yup. I could still smell someone….and I could smell others…oh mother of nalgene…at least five others were around. I searched franticly for a way out. On the main floor, one of the walls was made completely of glass. I considered jumping through it. Yeah right.

This was _not_ happening! This could not be _happening_!

Two men and two women, white as newspaper without words, suddenly appeared in front of me. I screeched again at this surprise and headed the opposite direction. I was bloody surrounded! I was going to die! "Leave me alone!" I bawled at whoever would listen. "Please! Just leave me alone!" I sobbed as one of the ghastly white men appeared in front of me again, like fog. I slid to a stop, trying to change directions on the slippery floor.

Didn't work. I toppled onto my side. I didn't feel a thing, but the floor splintered and cracked. Was I fat? I scrambled to right myself, but the man, barely short of a mountain, launched himself on top of me, momentarily knocking the wind from my chest and pinning me. I didn't feel like all my bones snapped under the weight, but I was definitely trapped. I wriggled franticly. I bit and scratched and kicked and head butted. I was not going to be eaten, or worse, raped. Not today.

"Emmett!" A voice thundered and nearly tore apart my eardrums. A strange feeling cracked on top of my head and ran down my spine like a cold raw egg. It was calm, and a little sleepy. But it was not my calm or sleepiness. I couldn't move as fast as my mind. I felt like I was swimming through pudding. A strange mantra worked itself to the forefront of my thoughts. _Nothing would hurt me. I would be fine. I was in good hands. Everything would work out…_

"Emmett, I have her under control. You can let her go." someone said.

The massive weight lifted and I sat up through the mental pudding. Four men and three women stood around me, all varying in shapes and sizes, from the mountain man to a tiny tinker-bell with dark hair. I searched their eyes. None were red. They were all a kind of copper color. In fact, nothing about any of them looked demon. They were…heavenly. The opposite of hell-ly. I sniffed and felt very safe. Nothing that beautiful could come from hell. I stood up, fighting the sleepiness.

"We're not from heaven or hell." Another said. He was so handsome…

"What?" I slurred the word around the burning in the back of my throat. Again, my voice was a bit too loud. What the crap was going on?

"We're just normal earth bound people." the handsome guy said.

"We're hardly normal, Edward." Tinker-bell replied cheerfully.

"Okay…?" I really didn't get why he was telling me this. I couldn't _think._It was all so abnormal, but it felt okay.

"Hello," a different brown haired guy stuck his hand out for a greeting. "I'm Carlisle Cullen. This is my home and my family." He looked amiable enough. I tentatively received his beautiful hand.

"Hi?" I used a question because I really had no idea what was happening with my life. The sweetest looking lady stepped forward and took my other hand from my side. She made me like her instantly.

"My name is Esme, and this is Rosalie," here she pointed to the most gorgeous blond girl I had ever seen.

"I'm Emmett, Rosalie's husband" The mountain-man that had previously been sitting on me introduced himself.

"This is Jasper," _Wow, he's hot. _"And this is Alice, Jasper's wife." S_top staring at Tinker Bell's husband…_

"And, of course, Edward." Edward stuck out his hand as well. He was chuckling for no apparent reason. I decided he may be insane.

"May we have the pleasure of having your name, sweetheart?" Esme asked.

I cleared my throat, getting a little embarrassed. I fumbled for a moment, with getting my tongue in order. The calm and sleepiness were wearing thin on my nerves. The sore throat kind of escalated to an uncomfortable itchy warmth. I swallowed. And then opened my mouth, ready to give the answer….

"You don't remember?" Edward asked. I stared hard at him. That was hardly fair. Of course I can remember my own stupid name.

"I'm…um…I'm…"

Esme saved me. "No matter. Let's get you cleaned up and into some clothes, shall we?"

That's when I stopped breathing. I was NOT calm anymore. I froze to the spot. _Oh, holy and mighty mother of nalgene and all things durable_! This was... I wanted to vomit. And scream. And die. A horrible and dramatic death. The kind Shakespeare would love.

This was a….nightmare, that's what this was. I looked down at myself slowly. It was like being in a dream. The sort of dream you forget to put your pants on in front of the most beautiful people in the world. Only I wasn't asleep and the people were probably the most beautiful in the _universe_.

Edward started laughing again. I could have killed him. I searched the room something to cover myself with, to no avail. Alice, formerly known as Tinker Bell, pranced forward and took my hand from Esme and proceeded to bounce me up the stair case (I had no objection to this escape and I bounced away with all my heart).

She was speaking a hundred miles an hour: "I just bought this pair of jeans I know will fit you. I got them in this cute little town in Colorado called Breckenridge. It's between Glenwood Springs and Denver. You can use my bathroom, and don't worry about yours; we'll get that wall fixed. Esme loves those kinds of projects. Hey! She could totally renovate the entire bathroom! You know, make it your very own. Of course we'll take down the mirrors for a while, because, well, I remember how weird it was a first to see yourself after being turned. But don't worry the eyes will fade as long as you stick to animals. This way…what should I call you? Let's see, you have such bright hair, how about Ginger? Or is that too weird and demeaning? Oh well, wait right here, Ginger." here she deposited me on a bed and practically danced across the room and opened a door.

I didn't even have time to feel embarrassed by her reference to the color of my hair. I felt like I had been in a verbal car accident, mental whiplash sending my brain reeling. What the COD was she talking about? It was all happening so fast; I didn't have time to register how I felt about being in a strange place with strange people in strange underwear.

In less than two seconds she had the mirror from the bathroom in her arms, awkwardly turned, so that I couldn't see my reflection. It looked heavy, but she didn't seem fazed at all, considering she was so tiny. She dropped the mirror on the bed, behind me, face down and grabbed my arm again. "So the shower is a little tricky. There's four shower heads, and you have to turn two different nozzles each: one's for temperature and one's for how hard you want the water. But the thing is, Esme installed the temperature nozzles upside down, so sometimes you get cold when you want hot and vise versa. Use what ever you want, though!" And then she dropped me in the bathroom, closing the door behind me.

Her bathroom was _so_ luxurious, stocked full of hair products, skin products, nail products, any kind product one could think of. Hair dryers and curlers and straighteners and crimpers and combs, brushes littered the white marble counter top. It was a bloody hair salon. It kinda bugged me that she took the mirror out. Why did she do that?

Didn't she say something about being turned? I turned around. No mirror, but there was this spectacular mural of tiles, like one would find in an old Greek Bath. I was enthralled with the story depicted on the wall. A mermaid and a sea monster under the night sky embedded with shiny stones, obviously supposed to be stars. I stood on my tippy toes and squinted to get a better look at the shiny…. holy crap…were those…

"Need any help in there?"

"No." I startled and brought myself back on track. I shook my head. No one would embed their bathroom wall with diamonds! Preposterous.

There were three closed doors to choose from, beside the one that I knew led out into the room. After my earlier experience with a closed door, I was a little wary to try them. Come to think of it…what happened to the demon lady? I shivered. I found a steam room, currently cold, a Jacuzzi, currently empty, and the shower. With a little difficulty, I figured out the elaborate nozzles, opting for using only one shower head.

It was getting harder and harder to not think. And when I started to think, I started to worry. And when I worried, it mostly turned into panic. I thought back through Alice's monologue, very carefully._ 'The eyes will fade as long as you stick to animals.' _ Was that some kind of code sentence that I wasn't let in on? The previous sentences pretty much made sense, in context. It sounded like a hokey password to me. But it did have a creepy feel to it. I remembered the demon lady's eyes. Harsh burning eyes. Was Alice talking about the demon lady?

It had only been, what, a half an hour since I woke up. Speaking of which, I realized that I couldn't really remember much before waking up. What if I was brain washed? What if I never remembered my own name? What would I do? What about my family? Wait, did I have a family worrying about me? I realized that I needed to escape. Or ask if I could leave. After I was dressed, that is.

But still, it had been only a half hour since I woke up and it seemed as if I was sorely retarded at understanding my life. Nothing made sense. It was like I was in this elaborate dream.

The dream shower felt better than a normal one. It was hotter and intensified to the point where I could feel every individual water droplet. What an abnormal sensation. I was going to swallow some hot water for my throat but the shower water tasted like crap and I spit it out quickly.

Feeling much cleaner and happier, I stepped out the bathroom in a long crème colored towel. Alice had lain out the jeans, a tank top, a sweater, some rather expensive looking shoes and undergarments for me to put on. I checked to see if I was alone, and then got dressed. I was surprised to find that everything fit like it was tailored to my body. How did these people know my sizes? I was alarmed yet again.

I found a brush in the bathroom, and ran it through my hair, wishing for a mirror. The mirror was on the bed. Alice had taken it down for a reason. Still, I just wanted a look at what my hair was doing today. I felt like a naughty kid, sneaking cookies before dinner. It was only a mirror I reminded myself. Nothing will come of it.

How wrong I was.

After turning the mirror over (it was much lighter than it looked) I had to do a triple take. Not just a double take. Then I stared. I trembled. And felt a scream rising from under my hairline. It _was_ a mirror, right? The figure moved as I did. I got closer, turned my head. I opened and shut my mouth. I flared my nostrils (I was always really good at that) and just then I started to realize.

_The demon lady was me. _

I fled down the stairs again. This time I was angry, not frightened. Who the crap did this to me? I did not opt for plastic surgery, nonetheless plastic surgery that made you into a hag.

Alice was halfway up the stairs when I collided with her. It sounded as loud as it felt and we tumbled like rugby players to the bottom. It took me a moment to realize that I wasn't hurt. I stood up sharply and turned on Alice, who had gotten up as well. She looked apprehensively at my face.

"What. The hell. Is going. On." I growled. And it sounded like a growl. She didn't answer but gave a meaningful glance at the people who had just entered the scene. "Who did this to me!?" My voice had risen two octaves.

"I did." I whipped my head in the direction of Carlisle, who looked right back at me with infuriating confidence.

"What?! Why?"

"Because you were dying." He said this as if it were the most natural response. I shifted my weight. There was nothing to say to that.

"What do you mean d-dying?" He sighed and looked around. Jasper stepped forward and that weird thick egg-calm/sleepiness shrouded my furry.

"Why don't we discus this somewhere more comfortable?" Carlisle said. I shook my head to clear it. It was as if my emotions were on mute. Where was this weird drowsiness coming from? My anger was drowning like a dead fish. I looked up and saw Jasper looking at me more intently than everyone else. What the halibut, how was he doing that?

"Stop it!" I grimaced at Jasper. I fought it hard, and felt stronger after a moment. My voice rose to a yell. "Don't do that to me! I hate it!" He looked very surprised and the nasty bubble of lethargy popped. I took a breath. "I want answers! Why am I here? Who are you guys?" I felt like a little kid again, stomping my feet in a fit.

"Ginger, calm down! We're going to tell you everything." Alice grabbed my hand and squeezed it. "You just have to trust us for a while." I swallowed at my throat.

"My name's not Ginger." I snapped defiantly, whipping my hand out of hers. And there was an uncomfortable silence where I knew how mean and childish I was being. Everyone looked a little surprised and Alice's face was kind of pinched. _I don't care. I don't care, they all deserve it. _My malicious mind snarled.

Carlisle turned around and started up the stairs. "Come with me."

* * *

"I am very old. Though I may not look it. I have seen more people fulfill their lives than any man should have to." Carlisle wasn't looking at me as he said this. His body was angled away from me, his eyes were worlds away. We were in an office. The setting reminded me of being banished to the principal's after committing some cafeteria crime, however his words were kind of scaring me more than any detention or other school punishment could.

"How old?" My mouth spoke without my brain.

"I was born during the English Civil War." This time he looked at me to judge my reaction. I have no idea when that was. He saw my confusion and embellished. "1640's." This time my eye brows rose. He continued. "My father was an Anglican Pastor from London, who was, as was the trend at that time, very intolerant of Roman Catholics and very superstitious about evil. He would lead raids to hunt down and kill creatures of the night, werewolves, witches, vampires and such--"

"Like Van Helsing?" I asked, incredulous that this was coming out of his mouth. He gave me an odd look.

"Well, not exactly the same thing but…I guess you could compare him to a fictitious character." Anyway, I had always wanted to become a doctor; I wanted to help people, do what I could for them in their weakest and most agonizing hours. I did not want to kill people, witches or not. My father had other plans for me. I was to follow in his steps as a…Van Helsing." He smiled sheepishly at the neologism.

I temporarily forgot how ridiculous it all was, and was vacuumed into the story. "He grew old, like any other human," (I did not like the way he said 'human') "and he left me in charge of the raids. I was obedient. I did my best to search out the evil. Surprisingly enough, when I was in my early twentys, I managed to find a coven of real vampires hiding in a sewer under London. I set a trap, and with three other men I chased one down. Needless to say, there was no chance for us, for you see, garlic, holy water and wooden stakes are all rubbish lies used to keep humans ignorant. (You try sticking a piece of wood through someone as hard as granite.) It was like a flock of chickens against a wolf. The vampire attacked us, took off with one and left the rest of us to die."

"But you didn't."

"No. At the time, and for years afterwards, I wished with all my heart that I had. The attack left me as a vampire. To borrow a quote from Van Helsing," he smiled but it wasn't happy one, "'Now you will become that which you have hunted so passionately.'

"I was revolted with myself. I tried desperate to kill myself before I drank the blood of a human. I threw myself off cliffs, tried to drown myself, anything to escape from…being what I was. I placed myself as far away as possible from humans, drove myself mad with starvation. Even in my newborn state of mind, I didn't want to kill anyone." He trailed off here.

"Eventually a herd of deer crossed my path and I found myself drinking their blood." My eyes were very wide by now. "I realized that it was just like eating venison, and I had done that as a human. Even after finding a way to live with myself, I was very lonely and…alone. (There is a difference.) I changed Edward after his mother died of the Influenza and I changed Esme after she tried to commit suicide. Our family has grown bigger than any other vampire's; you see we are usually solitary creatures. But, here we reside, by choice and sacrifice, in Forks, Washington living off of deer, bears and mountain lions."

"…" Too much…information.

Carlisle watched me for a while. This was terribly creepy. I was in a house, by myself, with people who had decided to role-play as "good" vampires. This was insane. He was insane. I was insane.

"Can I go home now?" My voice trembled like my hands. Carlisle just sat there, compassion plastered all over his face. He looked down at the desk. "Please?" I added for good measure, though I was sure I knew the answer. Still, he was quiet. It was if he was waiting for something. "What do you want with me?" I asked very quietly.

"I found you in Seattle." That was NOT an answer. "You had been shot multiple times. I do not know who you are or where your family was." He gave me a pleading look. He was begging me to listen.

"Alice has visions. It's all very complicated, but she saw you lying in the alley, dying. You must be important to us, somehow, because she doesn't often see visions of the future about strangers. I am not even sure why I decided to turn you, but I did. That was two, soon to be three, days ago. The transformation was, and always is, very painful. I'm astonished that you do not remember it." I'm sure by now my jaw was completely lax.

"What I am telling you is true. The reason your eyes look like they do now, is because the residual blood left over from when you where a human is still in your body, supplementing it. You look different because the transformation intensifies the features of your physical body along with your personality. So your hair, which used to be a sort of orangey-red, is even redder and orangy-er. And your freckles on your face have become more defined. You were able to run through a wall and take down Emmett, who's three times your size. That's because we're harder than granite, and much, much stronger than humans. A vampire is like an intensified stone replica of the human we used to be. The cells of your body have completely stopped changing; they are stuck exactly as they are now. In the scientific sense of the word, you have stopped living. You're throat is very sore right now, is it not? It is thirst for blood." It wasn't a very well, ordered argument but...

"So…what you're saying is…I'm…I'm a…"

"Vampire."

"And Edward and Alice and Rosalie are…"

"Vampires."

"But…they don't exist!" I stood up quickly, knocking my chair over."Tell the truth! Stop lying to me! You're sick!"

"I've already told you. Vampires do exist. And you are one."

"NO! I AM NOT!" my ears hurt after that one. Carlisle stood up deliberately and walked out the door. I followed. "YOU'RE EVIL! I HATE YOU! I WANT TO LEAVE! I AM NOT A…."

"Vampire." He said quietly. I growled like an animal and lunged at his back. I was jolted back by an arm and I landed roughly on my back. I found myself looking up at Emmet. I jumped up and continued after Carlisle. Emmet grabbed my arm again.

"Oh no you don't, little missy! Carlisle saved you! Treat him with a little respect." I tried to rip my arm out of his grip but he had a good hold on me. I kicked him in the shin as hard as I could.

"OW!" he yelled and picked up his injured leg. He still didn't let me go.

"Emmet, it's alright. We're going hunting." Carlisle turned back towards us. "Leave your sweater here." he told me.

"What?"

He didn't answer. Emmet dropped my arm. Carlisle was half way down the stairs and I ran after him. "Hunting? I don't hunt!"

"You do now." Emmet said from behind.

* * *

It was sunny and happy outside, completely clashing with the mood. I am not sure why I continued to do as Carlisle told me…maybe because there was a chance I could run away while we were outside. Maybe it was grotesque curiosity of a man who thought he was a vampire. A man so insane, he thought _I_was vampire.

The mansion had a porch, Carlisle stood under the shade, waiting for me. I ignored the looks of the others as I passed them on my way outside.

"Leave your sweater here. It's a nice one."

"Nice day or sweater?" I asked sarcastically, pulling on one sleeve. He smiled a little.

"Both."

"Where are we going?" He gave me an exasperated look.

"I just told you. We're going hunting."

"But I don't eat meat…and I don't have a hunting license. And I don't_want_ to hunt!"

"Do you feel the fire in the back of your throat? It will only get worse."

"What, and drinking blood going to help that?" Again, two parts sarcasm. He looked at me as if I was finally catching on.

"Yes, actually."

I scoffed. Then a brilliant idea came to mind. "If you're a vampire, then you can't go hunting today." I felt very smug as I crossed my arms.

"And why is that?" He asked, starting down the short staircase.

"Because of the sun. Won't you burn?" As an answer, he stepped into the sunlight and exploded.

Or it seemed like it. He visually exploded. He, all of the sudden, sparkled like a diamond. Or like he was made out of glass. It was the most enchanting thing I had ever seen. I took the stairs swiftly, wanting to get closer to him.

"Oh my…" I reached out to touch his skin, but jumped back and yelped as I brought my hand up. It was bursting with light, just like Carlisle's. I explored my uncovered skin. It felt normal to touch, not like an explosion. "Oh my…" I said again.

"The frozen cells are reflecting the sunlight. Which is where the myth come from. The one about vampire's not being able to go during the day. It is not easy to fit in when the sun gives your skin a sort of visual blast." He gave me a second to gawk at my elbow. "Come on, we have a lot of ground to cover. Esme, we will be back later. I am bringing my cell phone." His head was angled towards the door, but his voice wasn't raised._ Although_, I thought, i_f Esme's ears are half as sensitive as mine are today, there's no way she couldn't hear that. _

_No, don't do that! Don't group yourself with these people._

Esme had come outside and was now standing in front of Carlisle. She was just as brilliantly reflective. They kissed lightly. I turned away, embarrassed.

"This way," Carlisle said and turned away from the house, to the left of the driveway.

The forest was mainly green. Where there was supposed to be browns and blacks, geris and blues, the moss bearded and enshrouded. The trees were too close together and too massive for the bright sky. Even the lighting was crowded. I didn't mind. In fact I thought it was rather mesmerizing. It was a world apart from anything man could make. It was nature, musky and peaceful, like it should be.

Carlisle picked up the pace to nothing less than a sprint. I followed and realized that I could fly. Every tree, rock and curtain of moss was gone before my conscious mind realized it was there, yet I could recall the exact positions of every root exposed. Call it what you like. It was pure instinctual running. It was reflexive. It was being home without knowing where you were. It was animal. It was gloriously divine.

And the smells! I couldn't even tell you how sharp every molecule felt to my nose. I knew a herd of deer were close to three miles, east. I tasted every bird's scent. I could hear Carlisle's steady breathing, fifty yards ahead, who abruptly slowed down to position himself only six feet ahead of me.

Then, the aroma of relief roundhouse-kicked me in the gut. I froze and whipped my head towards it. My raw throat turned to an inferno and the pain, or the smell, broiled my brain. Each breath was insufficient, and left me…lusting…for more. Then Carlisle had my head in his hands. He forced me to look at him.

"Stop breathing and keep moving." He ordered me. There was no room for argument in his tone, and his eyes were hard. The demon lady in me wanted to lash out and pummel him. Why would he keep me from that? "HOLD YOUR BREATH!" This time he snarled and it wilted me into submission. I held my breath and it got a little better. Only a little. He had a hold on my hand and we started running again. I was very reluctant to leave and knew it was strongly against my better judgment.

The flame in my throat was agonizing. A noise escaped me as I let the air out of my lungs. It was a whimper. Carlisle looked back at me with compassion. "I know it hurts, it's just a little longer. You'll make it." And then let my hand go.

"What WAS that?" I choked out.

"A human."

We ran for what seemed like an hour. The scenery changed a little, got gradually less and less green, and sloped upwards into the mountains. About halfway there, I picked up on what Carlisle was following. I didn't know it then, but it was a mountain lion. I got more and more desperate for a break from the fire. We slowed down to a fast, noiseless walk when we could see it slinking through the dense trees. I had never seen one in the wild. It was…beautiful.

"As soon as it can smell us, it will bolt." Carlisle whispered so low I had to actually pay attention to the shapes his mouth was making. The big cat's left ear twitched. I paused for a second.

Wait. Hold on. We were going to _catch_ a mountain lion? Isn't that a little dangerous and illegal? I didn't_want_ to catch it. Maybe he's looking at something else? Bewilderment drove me on.

The lion froze when we were twenty meters away. He crouched and searched his surroundings madly, then sprang into the nearest tree. Carlisle halted, motioned for me to get closer to the lion's tree, and then moved off in another direction. I guess it was the promise of relief that outweighed my fright at putting me in front of a mountain lion. I picked my way towards the tree, very apprehensively, with as much stealth as I could muster. I had no idea what I was supposed to do when I got there, so I just stood there convinced that I was going to be eaten. The hairs on the back of my neck were prickling, and the feeling of the cat's eyes on my every move made me very nervous. The fire licked the flesh out of my throat.

The loudest most frightening yowl, like a thousand women screaming, threw itself on top of me and it was all claws and teeth and fur for a minute.

When I came to, I realized my face was cuddled right up to the soft, thick fur of its neck; I was on top, pinning it down. I pulled away in horror. It was too late. As I looked into the animal's eyes, life dwindled and pulled out, leaving a bloodless, breathless carcass.

What had I done? I scrambled backwards to escape. Shock. What _had_ I done? What had I _done_! The face etched itself in my brain. The eyes…those frigid eyes…

A moan spilt out of my soul. I drank its blood. I drank it. All of it. I was sick. This was not right. It wasn't good. I was…

"I didn't…want…." I whimpered. This was disgusting. I was disgusting. I wiped my mouth on my arm. Blood! I was stained! I scrubbed at my arm and only smudged it further. I tried scouring it on the ground. That only added dirt. I scraped it on a tree and the bark came off till the juices were exposed. Would I never be clean?

"Wont come off!" I screeched at my arm. I looked over at the carcass. Carlisle was bending over it, finishing it off. How much blood could it have? NO! Don't think like that! I was afraid to think about what I had done yet it was all my mind could process. I turned my head from that sight.

* * *

"To know my deed, 'twere best not know myself." -Macbeth, William Shakespeare.

* * *

Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. All of the technicalities of vampires come from the Twilight Lexicon (personal correspondences with the great Meyer.) 


	2. One Shot One

"I long . . . to be in the midst of the whirl and rush of humanity, to share its life, its change, its death, and all that makes it what it is. But alas!"

* * *

I was silent for half of the walk home. I was…not right. I had literally lost control of myself. I couldn't even remember the time right after the mountain lion landed on my head to the moment I realized I was killing it. It was as if someone else had taken over. As if I was a puppet or as if I was possessed. By the demon lady.

"I'm a monster." Or I have one in me. I stepped over a root. The scenery was getting green again. I didn't like it this time.

"But," Carlisle replied kindly, "you are not evil."

I ruminated over this for a while. "If I'm not evil, does that mean I'm good?"

He stopped walking for a moment and turned around to look at me. "Good? I think anyone is capable of being good. It what you do that makes you good, not who, or what you are." And then kept walking.

"How is drinking blood good?" I scoffed.

"It may not be normal, but who's to say it is not good, if it is an animal we are killing. Humans do that. They eat chickens and cows and deer. We are doing the best we can considering circumstances. Instead of doing what is easy, and unfathomably more delicious and satisfying, we feed off of animals. Instead of letting circumstance shape the way we live, we strive to see human life as just as valuable as a vampire's. "

"But I live through the death of something else, I…salivate when I smell blood. How could I be a good person?"

"I have faith in you." He stopped walking again, and sat down on a stump. His face turned very serious and he leaned over very stiffly and quirked an eyebrow.

"Patience, patience, doctor. I believe in this monster, as you call it. And if you don't, well, you must leave me alone. " He said in a posh British accent and then laughed. I recognized the quote from Frankenstein and laughed a little and leaned heavily against a tree. It definitely bent.

"But Frankenstein's monster ended up killing everyone." I said it as a bit of a joke, but it came out and stung. We grew silent again. I looked away. Was that it? Was I to become just another Frankenstein. Or Dracula?

"You are right, that was not the best example. What I am trying to say is that I have faith in my family, you and I and Edward, all of us. I believe that we still have a chance at life. I believe that, as long as we live a 'good' life, to the best of our abilities, we have our souls." He got up off the tree and began walking again.

Souls? That was weighty. I hadn't even thought about the issue that deeply. Souls. As in _after-life_. Wasn't this after life? Was there more life after eternal life on earth? My head began to spin. It was all too much.

We reached the perimeter of the house and Carlisle handed me a laced handkerchief. "You have a little," he pointed to the corner of his mouth, "just here."

I felt that if I had blood in my veins I would have blushed to Neptune. I took the perfectly white cloth, licked the corner of my mouth and scoured my chin as well.

"You are actually very clean considering that was the first time." He said as he patted my shoulder and turned us towards the door.


	3. One Shot Two

Virtue is something learned through constant practice that begins at a young age.

* * *

They were laughing as Carlisle retold the story. "I had to sneak around behind," he laughed a little here, "and hoist myself into a tree to scare it enough to get it out of the tree." Big smile here. Alice and Edward were cackling already. "When it fell out, it landed on her, hahaha, right on the head!" Emmett had the loudest bawling deep laugh. I chuckled at his expense, not mine. "You should have seen the violent surprise plastered on her face as a screaming, thrashing cat plopped right on top!"

I scowled. It was hardly MY fault!

Edward was sniggering as he turned to where I stood at the door. "We're not _blaming_ you, we're _laughing_ at you."

"Edward!" Esme disapproved, but still had a cheeky grin.

I would have pretended to be offended, but I was preoccupied. Edward _heard_ me. What I said in my head.

"Yes I did."

I jumped as if I had been burnt. "Oh. My. God." My mind was reeling. "This whole time…" I couldn't even think straight. "You mean to say…you can…" _You can read minds?_ I ended the sentence as a thought, just to, you know; make sure I was not mistaken.

"Yes." he said meekly.

I gawked at everyone for a moment, and then started cracking up. "Of course! Yes! Of course this would happen! Not only are you all vampires, but he, "I gestured madly at Edward, "can read MINDS! YES! It all makes PERFECT sense!" I felt I was about to explode. Rosalie's eyebrows were raised in a tell-tail sign of me acting like an idiot. But…it just wasn't _fair._ "It's not fair! You know? I can't take it all! I can't be a vampire AND believe that he can READ MINDS! It's ridiculous, and- and _STUPID_! You know? It's just not fair. You guys are all so…cool and calm and collected and _beautiful_ and-and, AAAND you," again I pointed wildly at Edward, "can _READ_ minds!"

"Yes." Edward said again, looking away.

"I can see the future." Alice chipped in cheerfully as if she was telling me that she could do a kart wheel.

I blinked. No one said anything for a minute.


	4. One Shot Three

Life is will to power, says Nietzsche, and will to power is exploitation. All organic processes rely on some form of exploitation of the weaker by the stronger, and it is folly to try to eliminate this exploitation altogether.

* * *

"Do you play?" I jerked a bit at Edward's voice. He caught me drooping on the piano bench, frowning at the keys. I immediately thought about him reading my mind. It put me into a panic.

"Don't worry. I won't use it against you." He reassured me with a crooked smile. I made a miniscule noise in the back of my mouth; one part scoff, one part embarrassment. He gracefully settled down next to me on the bench. "Well?" He nodded toward the piano. I cleared my throat. Why was it so hard for me to speak?

"I don't know. I don't think so." I couldn't remember ever playing the piano before, but that didn't mean a whole lot. His fingers began to sail over the keys, delivering glorious music. I scooted away from him a little, to give him more room.

"What do you think of Bella?" He asked, still effortlessly whipping up a storm of sound. I didn't answer right away. I was a bit enthralled with the song.

"Don't you know what I'm going to say?" He looked at my eyes, and then grinned again.

"Yes." He replied, but was still looking at me as if he wanted an answer to the question.

"I…like her."

"Uh huh." He declared smugly, obviously not believing my lie.

There were just a few things I couldn't stand about her.

Edward had brought Bella over earlier. I was allowed to stay in the room, as long Emmett and Jasper could hold my hands and I stayed at the top of the stairs. I didn't like it. One, because I was holding hands with people I barely knew. Two, Just smelling her almost sent me to my knees in pain. My throat was scalding the whole time she was in the house. I couldn't even believe the self control these people had. Well, these vampires had.

Over the past couple of days I had developed a childish crush on Edward. (Who wouldn't?! He was devilishly handsome and funny and polite and did I mention he was quite the looker?) He was very kind about it all, being the gentleman that he was. I knew it was just a crush. I knew that he knew that I was digging him. I knew that he knew that I knew that I was digging. He also knew that I knew that he had no interest in me whatsoever.

And now I knew that he loved a human. I saw the way he looked at her. She was perfect for him. And it was a big disappointment.

Bella was also human; I was extremely envious. With all of my being, I yearned for that. I had absolutely no desire to stay an immortal vampire.

So I guess all the issues I had with her, were actually botherations I had with myself. I had a problem with thirsting for her blood to the point to extreme pain. I had a problem with having a crush on Edward. I had a problem with being a vampire.

"I do like her." This time it was true. I just didn't like myself. He didn't answer, but kept watching me. I got really self conscious and turned my head to see out the giant wall-window. "Are you going to change her?"

"What?" He stopped playing. I froze. I said something wrong. Oh God, I didn't know. I just didn't know not to say the wrong things.

"Nothing." I choked out and hurriedly stood up. There was an awkward texture to the atmosphere.

"Change her?" He didn't sound angry, but still….Edward ignored my state of panic. "No." His voice was soft. His fingers started up again. "I wouldn't condemn her to this life. This nonlife." I sat down slowly, timidly, on the piano bench. The song picked up, filling up my ears pleasantly.

"Is that how you see it? Are we damned?"

Edward gave me another long look. "To be honest…yes. That is what I believe."

"Why do you try, then? Why are you sticking around? What is the point of being good, if you are already condemned?"

"That was my argument in 1927. I left for five years to try out the other side of life. I came back for a few reasons. Firstly, don't tell Carlisle," he put on a mock mysterious face, "but I look up to him. He is the only father I remember clearly. He raised me on his ideals, and he is who I would want to be. Secondly, I am a family man. I love Esme and Carlisle like parents. I missed my brothers and sisters while I was away. I found out, while I was away, that I wanted a family, and that vampires who drink human blood do not have families. It's a very solitary life, and even a vampire can go insane with loneliness."

I pondered. "Even if I do, you know, stick to the rules, what will become of me?"

"Well, we cannot allow you to come in contact with humans until you are strong enough to resist, so you will just have to hang out here awhile—"

"How long does it take?" I interrupted and then felt sheepish for doing it.

"It depends on the individual. It took Carlisle centuries to get to the point where he can work in the ER. Jasper is much older than I am, yet he still cannot be trusted completely. That is because he went through a period of his life where he fed only on humans. The more you indulge, the more you will want it. It's different for everyone and it is mind over matter."

I thought about how painful it was going to be. Just that one whiff of that human in the woods, was excruciating. _I could do it, _I thought._ I would totally resist the temptation_. (I was wrong.)

"What if," I started, but then really wanted to stop. That train of thought was not a nice one.

"Go on."

"What if…I…didn't want to…stick to the rules…?"

"We would still love you."

"What?" That completely caught me off guard. Love? Where'd that come from?

"Even if you do decide to leave us, which you have every right to, we would always be here for when, and if, you return. We all make mistakes. Take me for example. And yes, I would categorize it as a mistake. However, we are good not because we are perfect, but because we keep trying when we fail. When we mess up, we acknowledge that what we did was wrong. Then we get over it and start again. There is no atonement for the human that was lost. It is impossible to bring it back or 'make up' for the loss. And even if we did subject ourselves to human laws, it wouldn't make a difference. We would out-live all of the life sentences; I think it is safe to say that a human cannot kill a vampire."

That was all very interesting, but _love_? "Love?"

"Excuse me?"

"You said you loved me." I was very quiet.

"You are part of my family. Of course I love you. Emmett, Rose, Jasper and Alice will grow to love you. And Esme loves everyone." His eyes lit up at that thought and he laughed lightly.

I smiled. "But you hardly know me."

"You're part of my family." He said it simply and it was the nicest thing anyone had ever said to me.

* * *


	5. One Shot Four

**Thank you so much for your reviews, they are greatly appreciated. There have been almost 200 hits, and I am very flattered. Thank you! **

**Next, I feel like I have to explain myself here. This and the next very short one-shots are more expositional than narrative. I don't quite like them, but I am pretty sure they are necessary for the life of my character. Please stick with me…the story part is still coming! And…WHO'S EXCITED FOR THE MOVIE!**

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"Evil will never find peace."_Vampire Diaries._

* * *

So was this prison or home? 

I was not allowed to leave the house without supervision. I didn't have visiting hours, granted I didn't have any visitors. I was, essentially, waiting out my sentence until I could rejoin society. 

My inmates were my family; my jail was my home. It was all very confusing and confining and solitary. I didn't quite fit in with the family. First of all, everyone else had someone to be with. Jasper with Alice, Emmett with Rosalie, Carlisle with Esme. And, of course, Edward had his sweet human Bella. Everyone was so much older than I was. In human years, we decided, I was only about sixteen. As a vampire, I was only a newborn, hardly a year turned. I felt like a child and I was treated like a child. Everyone else was allowed to be in public, connect with the outside world. Jasper, the least self controlled, was even allowed to go to school with the rest. 

In the deepest, loneliest most morbid sense of the word, I was bored. Emmett once teased me when I told him so. He said that only boring people get bored. I shoved him down the stairs (I was still stronger than him, in my new-born state.) The only human contact I had was what the TV, the DVDs, the internet, my books and my ipods (Edward insisted on two 30gigs and all the music he could jam onto them) could provide.

Time and I became enemies. After the sixth month, on the lowest subcutaneous level of my being, I began to know what time really was. It was grey. And it was flat. And the fact that I had all night as long as all day to pass just made everything slower. Clocks and calendars made it worse. They just gutted time, laid it all out to dry for me to stare at. 

In order to soften time, I was home schooled. I took up French. Was given piano lessons, philosophy lessons, swing dancing and ballet lessons. I was taught calligraphy, some Latin, history, literature, algebra. I learned everything I could about cars, the stock market and home improvement. I read a couple of Jasper's books and watched movies. I perfected Guitar Hero I, II, and III on expert. I tried knitting. It sucked. 

I didn't have time; it had me. Nothing changed. It was stifling. Lessons, hunting, bored. Reading, tinkering on the piano, bored. I didn't have anything to compare my life to (I didn't have many memories), but life still didn't feel like life. All I have to look forward to was the day Carlisle saw that I was self-controlled enough to step out and be around other people. But, even then, I 

knew I wouldn't be apart of it. Not really and not ever. I would always be a separate being. A completely different species. 

So, was this a prison? Or was it a haven? Was it the only place I would truly fit in? 


	6. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thank you for taking the time to read and review, I really love hearing from all of you.**

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"To die. To be really dead, that must be glorious." -Count Dracula

* * *

I tried as hard as I could to keep my eyes open as the snow flew into my face. Everything above me was black, but I could just make out the cliff wall, stretching above my head. Lying on my back, I willed myself into a statue. Starting with my toes, I imagined my body turning into stone. Forever locked, statues didn't think, didn't live, didn't hear.

I didn't want to _hear_ anymore.

Being a vampire is like being a superhero whose powers control you instead of the other way around. Super strength. Super good looking. Super cars. Super lonely. We even get our own special ability. I hate mine.

Imagine, if you can, meeting a nice guy. He's good looking. He's funny. He's stylish and charismatic. Within the first two seconds it's all ruined. By the time I know his name I also know that he spends every moment of his time regretting his childhood.

Not only do I have to learn how to love human beings without wanting to devour them, I have to learn to love people while knowing their deepest, darkest secret. Sometimes they are funny, sometimes I feel like I might throw up. Most of the time I feel bad for them. I hate spending all of my relationships feeling bad for people because in this ugly twisted way, I start to feel guilty. I feel guilty because I automatically compare myself with the worst. I, even if it is subconscious, feel better about myself, because I don't have horrible secrets to hide. I begin to see myself above society. And I hate it.

I know what motivates people. Why they do the things they do. It all goes back to the deepest secret. I hear those secrets. Only God should know people that intimately.

I was already lifeless, cold, hard, unchanging. How far away could I be from statue-age?

But no matter how still I could make my body, I could hear. I heard the roar of the blizzard, and the creaking and snapping of branches in the wind. And the conversations going on in the tent. And Bella's teeth chattering. And Jacob was making a racket louder than the storm. Of course, his stench bothered me more. I was completely motionless while Jacob unzipped the tent door. Because Bella was on the verge of hypothermia, he changed into his human form and went to go warm her up.

"Watch yourself." I heard Edward's flat, frightening voice. I snickered. Jacob and Edward were _so_ dramatic. Every encounter went deeper than vampire vs. werewolf. It was a testosterone throw down. All this for a human girl. Sweet little Bella. She was the reason I wasn't invited into the tent. Even if I could keep my eyes away from her skin for more than two seconds, I didn't think I would _want_ to be in the tent with _that_ love triangle.

Eventually I heard, through the shrieking of the wind through the branches of the trees, the steady pace of another wolf approaching.

"Seth is here." I Edward muttered. The big wolf gave me a long look, then curled up underneath a pine tree.

"Hello, Seth." I whispered, but didn't move more than my mouth and diaphragm.

Seth ignored me and snuggled his nose into his fur. The snow was high enough to cover my hands, resting at my sides.

The werewolves hadn't taken to me nicely. They, at first, had insisted that the treaty was broken. But because I wasn't a Forks resident as a human, and because I wasn't bitten in the near vicinity (Carlisle started the process in Seattle), Jasper and Carlisle were able to talk their way out of a war. They insisted I was not a newborn anymore. That I could control myself. That I wouldn't devour half of Forks.

Unfortunately some maniac woman named Victoria had different plans for the locals.

Right before I joined the family, Edward had killed Victoria's mate. It sounded fair to me, since the mate was trying to kill Bella, in the first place. But, apparently Victoria was pissed off anyway. She made a newborn vampire army, which sounded scary, even to me. She and her army were arriving tomorrow. Again, all this for beautiful Bella.

I was elated, at first, to hear that I could help. I actually got to do _something_! But once Jasper started to explain the process and implications of what we were actually doing, I got that familiar feeling in my guts. The kind where everything got watery and slippery inside.

We were going to have to kill them. Kill. As in dead. Only it was more of a destruction or demolishing. It was a 'smote his ruin upon the mountainside,' sort of killing. I was being told to tear apart, limb from limb, the very creatures I related the most to. New born vampires that were created in an environment that left no options but to murder humans. They didn't know better. They weren't taken in, like I was. They didn't even have a chance.

I didn't have to say it out loud for my family to realize that I wasn't going to be doing much fighting. So, they sent me to stick around Edward and Bella's hiding spot, as a sort of backup body guard.

Still, it was nice to be out of the house.

This wasn't the first time I had been out. But, as I thought about, it probably was the first time I'd been out of a vampire's sight in months. We had lived in Denali, Alaska for a while, which was a change of pace and scenery, but I still wasn't allowed out. It started because there was this dichotomy between Edward's love for Bella and Edward's thirst for her blood. I was just the catalyst. I moved the process along and helped (without meaning to) Edward make up his mind. He had decided that he and his family really weren't the healthiest choice for Bella.

On Bella's 18'th birthday I very nearly sucked her dry. She cut herself, accidently, exposing her blood to a house full of vampires. Needless to say, the demons inside me took over. Consequentially we moved away. Edward moped like a scolded puppy and the rest of the family vacillated between being annoyed and concerned. Bella hadn't taken 'the breakup' very well. Alice even thought she saw her commit suicide (it ended up being just an ill-timed cliff dive.) Edward was crushed, got angstier than ever and left for Italy, to find a way to die. No one died, because Bella and Alice went to go save him from forcing the Volturri, the vampires that keep everyone in line and in hiding, to kill him. To make a long story short, we ended up moving back to Forks.

That was at the end of March. It was now June. And it was blizzarding. And my arms were almost completely covered.

* * *

"Methought I heard a voice cry, "Sleep no more!

Macbeth does murder sleep"—the innocent sleep,

Sleep that knits up the raveled sleave of care,

The death of each day's life, sore labor's bath,

Balm of hurt minds, great nature's second course,

Chief nourisher in life's feast.

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	7. Chapter 3

**A/N: I don't own anything you recognize. If you are feeling kind, please review.**

* * *

If you want to know anything about what the world is like, he thought, in other words, you have to go out and investigate; you cannot simply sit in your armchair, think really hard and really well and hope to come up with knowledge.

-Hume

* * *

We all heard her coming, Seth, Edward and I. Victoria approached without caution. Her lion-like confidence was quite a bit frightening. Edward had Bella against the cliff wall, crouched in front of her, ready to give his life for hers. I was at Edward's right, listening. Jasper had taught me how to fight, but that didn't mean I was good at it. What if we lost? What if Bella died? What if I was ripped apart and burnt? I didn't even try to assume the defensive position. I just stood there, like an idiot. Like a child. Or a deer about to get hit by a truck.

My eyes were peeled on the pine trees, in the direction my ears and nose told me to. She wasn't alone.

"Gin," Edward started. His voice cautioned me to calm down as and he glanced momentarily at me. "We can take them. Nothing's going to happen to you."

I didn't know if I believed him.

"Who?" Bella whispered, horrified. _What do you mean who?_

"Victoria." Edward said her name like a beckon. Like he knew she was there; like she was about to die. It made me feel better. Infinitesimally.

Victoria and a boy poured out of the forest, like molten iron. If I was the deer about to get hit by the truck, the truck had arrived.

In the form of my twin.

It took my breath away and almost knocked me to the ground. Victoria…she…She looked exactly like me. Same fire-colored curly hair, same bright and disarming freckles, same demon eyes, even the same body type. I had no idea how long we all stood there, frozen. I vaguely registered that the boy was afraid of Victoria; and not just afraid, but terrified to the point that it was his _secret_. We were locked into each other, Vitoria and I. Her eyes, at first trained on Bella and steely, were now wide as if they were trying to swallow my face.

"Isis." She whispered harshly, scarcely believing her self. I stepped forward. Her voice was just like I remembered. There was a few long moments of almost silence. Of course I could hear Seth bowling through the trees a mile away and Bella shaking harder than she had last night, when she was freezing. My eyes were glued to my twin's face. It was de ja vu. Only the most intense de ja vu one could experience. Vitoria's eyes tore away from mine to glare murderously at Edward. I heard Edward hiss at Victoria's thoughts.

"We're not keeping her against her will!" he growled at Victoria in outrage. "This has nothing to do with James."

"You have taken EVERYTHING from me!" her voice was like cotton on thorns.

"You left her. I took nothing. James was using you, just as you are using RIley." His eyes flickered to the boy, who, in turn, started as if he had been pricked.

Victoria didn't spare a look at Riley, but she said, "It's not true. Don't listen to his lies. I warned you about their mind tricks."

"A trade then." Edward said quickly, giving Bill no time to react to Victoria's words. That woke me up.

"What!" I was ignored.

"Love for love." Love? What was he talking about? Victoria was visibly torn. She gazed, intense longing and agony on her face, at Bella and then at me. Then I got it.

"NO!" I howled at Edward. "No! You do NOT own me! You can't just TRADE me for Bella!" At that moment Seth came tearing into the opening all teeth and fur, and crashed into Riley, who screamed. And the next moment part of his hand was missing.

Victoria went for Edward as Riley went for Seth, which was a problem in two folds. Edward was my brother. I loved him. Victoria was the key to my past, the first and only link I had to my human life. And they were about to tear each other apart. I didn't know what to do. Get in between? Let them box it out? They were moving at vampire speed ripping and biting and punching. I just stood there idiotically.

When Seth was thrown up against the cliff wall, something clicked in my brain. I launched myself at Riley, who was caught completely off guard. I really didn't know what I was doing, it was just inexperienced brawling on my part.

I wasn't much of a fighter, and Riley was, his red eyes and blond hair a blure. I was in the process of getting pawned when Bella cut her arm.

I froze.

I didn't know what to do. My brain was telling me to fight harder for Bella's sake. The demons in me were telling my brain to shut the hell up and drown the flames that were tearing my throat and mouth to shreds with Bella's blood.

I could sense Riley frozen as well, although, he was probably just preparing to spring, not wasting time debating his demons.

Seth knocked Riley down, and proceeded to eat his face off. I turned to look at Bella, who was watching Edward and Victoria. It would be so easy. I could just walk right over there and...

My mom gave one last shriek before her head flew.

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	8. Chapter 4

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**A/N: Thanks for taking the time to read and review. Hope you like it...and if you do...you could review. wink wink.**

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All because of you, I haven't slept in so long.

And when I do I dream of drowning in the ocean.

Longing for the shore, where I can lay my head down. -Rise Against

* * *

There really wasn't a reason for being in the bathroom. Vampires, of course, never had to use a toilet. He had to make sure somebody saw him walk into the bathroom at least once every six hours, so suspicions were kept at bay. But there was no reason to linger for more than three minutes. It had been seven.

Carlisle stood heavily in front of the mirrors. Alone, he stared at his reflection. While not quite silent, the thick walls of the bathrooms in the ER cloaked a lot of the noise. His own breath, which he didn't even have to think about faking anymore, was loud. His face was all wrong.

His face should mirror his years. He had lived for more than three hundred years. Today, he felt every single one of those years. He felt old. The youthful skin he scrutinized, felt loose, like a broken spider web. His hands should look like gnarled tree limbs, not so strong and polished.

He felt the burdens of many lifetimes. They weighed him down, pulling at his chest, deepening the shadows in his eyes. If he had been a fraction weaker, he would have fallen apart, the ocean to a sand castle. The most humanistic vampire. Damn compassion. If only he didn't care so much.

Was it so terrible to bring another person into his family? He knew there wasn't a match for Ginger… Isis, now. He knew it would leave one odd man out to bring one more in. Was it a mistake, this time? Should he have just let her die as a human? Who could have known the one enemy he had was the mother of the newest member of his family?

Wilson opened the door and was startled to find Carlisle. Carlisle put on a fresh face and nodded at him as he passed him on his way out.

She wasn't really his daughter. She wasn't his flesh and blood. He didn't create her, he injected her with poison. She had every right to leave the family, now that she had some control over herself. Isis had left. It wasn't up to him to protect her anymore.

_Then why does it feel like this?_

* * *

The memories assailed me as I sped down the pin-straight highway. Past the cows, the grass, the fencing. That's all I could see in every direction. My once vacant mind provided what felt like parts of movie. These vivid sets from my childhood didn't feel like mine. But they didn't painfully crunch my stomach and chest like the thought of driving away from that look on Esme's face. Carlisle. I moaned and set my forehead on the steering wheel.

* * *

Against the bone white sand, ground to a powder by the years of weather, my unusually pale skin appeared almost tan. The colors were always brighter on the beach of Seaside, Florida. My daughter's hair was fire in contrast to the shocking green-blue of the ocean. The sand was like powder sugar and almost too bright to look at under the midday canopy of June. I gladly welcomed the sun after these months in Seattle.

"Up! UP!" Isis yelled at the seagulls, her arms waving like pinwheels, her legs pumping to an unknown beat. One seagull was stubborn enough to stay put. Isis shrieked at it and chased it for a foot or two until it gave up and took off, only to land a few more feet away.

Isis could be a lot worse off, I reasoned with myself. She looked happy, safe. She was fed and clothed and loved. Maybe I wasn't the best parent in the world, but who was? Maybe I put myself first, but wasn't that humanity? I had worked so hard to get were I was. Every muscle was slaved for, since I was three. I never quit. And I never would.

Ballet isn't for the weak hearted. It chews up professionals and spits them out. Only a tiny few make it to where I had, and I was not going to let one night ruin my career, my future. Nothing would stop me from dancing. It was my blood, sweat and tears. It was my life. Cold hearted? Maybe. But my heart was as tough as my toes. It had to be to get this far.

Isis was more than forgiving. She loved telling her first grade teacher all about her mommy and how she was a real live ballerina. It seemed that I was always forgiven for the months I was away, working on shows.

The fine, fine sand whistled as Isis ran on it. She plopped down on the towel, next to me, shaking sand and sea water everywhere.

"Hey baby," Isis squinted up at me. One of her front teeth was missing, a constant reminder of what I was missing. Her mop of bright red hair was matted with sand and salt and it stood up in all different directions. She was absolutely angelic.

"Hi, um mommy, um did you bring any crackers?" she asked, cocking her head, giving the full affect of a puppy face. She wore a silly grin and a nose full of freckles.

"Anything for you, baby." I said. Was that a lie?

"Anything?" She asked, teasing me. I reached into the bag and got out bright red sunglasses, sun block and Doritos. "Even kiss a sea cucumber?" I laughed.

"Maybe not that." I smoothed spf 50 on her cheeks and shoulders.

"Would you… eat sand?" she asked spreading her tiny fingers in front of my face to show the powered sugar- like grains clinging to her skin. I made a face.

"No. Ew. Anything reasonable." I amended, as I put my sunglasses on her face, which promptly slid down the bridge of her nose. She pushed them back up with the palms of her hands, leaving sunscreen, and sand prints on the lenses.

"Reasonable?" Her forehead wrinkled in thought.

"Umhm."

"Oh." I handed her the Doritos bag and she sprinted off, towards the water forgetting our conversation instantly.

Everything was so biased at the beach. These few sleepless weeks of 'vacation' always distorted my perspective. Everything seems like it could work out when everything else was beautiful and sunny. My resolution was slowly worn down, as if the waves were eroding my career, my dreams, my future.

I watched as Isis fed the seagulls a hand full of Doritos.

* * *


End file.
